The Calamitous Chronicles of a Bag Boy
by Andraiyel
Summary: Has more crack than Colombia. 'Nuff said
1. Chapter 1

It had all started with that trip to Vegas. It had all been swell up to that point. He was intelligent, had a beautiful girlfriend with parents that had great connections in the medical world, was number one in his graduating class at high school; was top in many of his class at Dartmouth University, and he had a promising future as a doctor ahead of him.

One weekend in March, his friends wanted to take him with them on their annual trip to Vegas. Every year they went to party it up, get girls to do things for them that their girlfriends wouldn't, and overall, just to have a good time. And every year that they asked our little prodigy Toshiro, they received a swift NO and a boot out of his apartment. Who even knew why they still asked the party-pooper. Something about this year was different though.

When they hesitantly went up to ask him, they did not receive the normal treatment they had gotten each year previous. This time, there was a devious glint in his jade green eyes and a smirk on his face. The answer: "Sure guys, why not?" And those were the words that sentenced him to his fate, forever as a bag boy.

* * *

"Toshy-hunny!" the voice whined obnoxiously. "The kids are being all annoying again today!" Long arms wrapped themselves around his neck as he walked through the front door of their single-wide mobile home, large breasts engulfing the back of his head.

"It's like they expect me to feed them everyday, or something!" the voice continued to whine, the thin arms tightening around his neck.

"Rangiku," he growled, having to go through this everyday with her. "They are growing, living, breathing children that need to be fed _every single day._ Of course they would be pestering you if you didn't feed them."

He was trying really hard not to turn around and walk back to his dead-end job, where, at least there, he could get some peace and quiet. He sighed heavily as the lithe arms unwound themselves from around his neck.

"Humph, fine then. I'll go walk to KFC and pick up food for these little monsters." Rangiku was about to turn and leave before suddenly a little boy was attached to her leg.

"Mommy! No! Don't leave me!" he sobbed, burying his face into the back of her knee and wrapping his legs around her ankle. It was a sight to behold, most finding it unbelievably adorable and heartwarming that the little boy was so attached to his mother. Unless, that is, you had to deal with this at least three times a day every time you tried to leave the small trailer, even if it was just to go and sit out on one of the plastic lawn chairs that littered the Happy Trails Mobile Home Park.

Like this morning, when Toshiro was trying to leave for work. He was just about out the door, no sign of the little dark-skinned boy anywhere.

That was when he felt an extra 38 pounds added to his right leg and a string of, "No! Daddy! Don't leave me!"

He looked down and scowled. 'Great. This is not going to be easy.'

"Please daddy! I wuv you! Don't goooo!" the little five year old sobbed, clinging onto Toshiro's leg for dear life.

He glared down at the crying boy. "How many times do I have to tell you? I am not your fa-"

Cue angry glare from the busty woman that was leaning against the doorway of their bedroom. He took a deep breath.

"I mean," he glanced back down to the boy staring up at him with tear-rimmed eyes, "I love you too, Tousen. Daddy is just going to work for a few hours and will be back later tonight. Okay?" He patted the boy's corn rowed head.

Tousen seemed to mull this over for a second before hopping up and skipping away with an, "Okay! C'ya later daddy!"

It was an everyday ordeal that they had eventually come to terms with. He would grow out of it eventually, right? And at least the other five children didn't do it.

________________

Rangiku leaned over to pat the boy's head lovingly, her breasts almost spilling out of the tight midriff top that she was wearing. "It's okay, baby. If you want, you could even come with me! Why don't you go and get your brother to come along with us," she cooed, helping the boy up from his place around her lower leg.

"Which one?" he asked innocently.

"The emo one," Toshiro said while flipping through the mail they had gotten today. "He could use some sunshine…and a girlfriend, but the sunshine will do for now."

Rangiku glared at him menacingly, but he didn't seem to notice because he would have needed to crane his neck to see her face anyways. With the good two foot height difference and all. Tousen had a puzzled look on his face as he tried to decipher what 'emo' meant. Toshiro glanced over at him as he noticed the boy had yet to move.

He sighed, "The extremely white one that looks like he is a girl."

The light bulb went off in Tousen's head as he finally understood who it was that they were talking about. He ran off into the second and final bedroom only to come out dragging a frustrated Ichigo by the wrist. His long orange hair was pulled back into an intricate bun and he had on one of his twin sister's black miniskirts.

Toshiro did a face-to-palm movement, not at all surprised by the mix-up.

"No, Tousen. Not that one, but the other one."

Ichigo scowled at his father, huffing and spinning around to stomp back into the small bedroom he had been dragged out of. Tousen ran back in the room before his older brother, this time coming out dragging the right brother along with him.

"What the hell do you guys want this time?" he asked emotionlessly.

"Ulqui, momma wants us to go and get food with her!" Tousen exclaimed energetically.

"Yeah vampire boy, go out and face the demon that is the sun," Toshiro added as he opened up one of the many bills that were stacking up on the table beside the door.

Ulquiorra crossed his arms over his chest, but his expression didn't change from that of sheer boredom. "Whatever you wish, oh mighty short one."

Toshiro looked up at him with a murderous glint in his eyes. No one ever called him short and got away with it. Rangiku saw what was coming and immediately grabbed her two sons by the shoulders, pushing them out the door.

"Well, we'll be back shortly- I mean real soon!" she exclaimed shutting the door behind her and racing down the front steps of their mobile home, chest rising and falling with each step.

Toshiro opened the door quickly and yelled before they were out of earshot, "Let's see how cocky you are after I read the tale of woe and misery that is your diary! Maybe I'll even get it published!"

Ulquiorra's eyes visibly widened, thinking, 'Oh shit, this guy's not messing around. He might even read the part about-' He then composed his face again and flipped Toshiro the bird yelling back, "Fuck you too, dad!"

Toshiro was seething. He laughed a little though when Rangiku smacked Ulquiorra upside the head for being such an ass.

'Ah, that kid is gonna get the shit beat out of him some day…and it is probably going to be courtesy of moi.'

He watched as they made their way out of the mobile home park, snickering a little as his wife got her ass smacked by the pervy old guy at the end of the street, Yamamoto; and when Ulquiorra and Tousen both got cheeks pinched by Yoruichi, who had Soi Fon's carefully trained eye watching over her every move.

He was a little surprised, as he watched them round the corner out of the trailer park, that Ukitake didn't come out and offer candy to his sons like he did everyday to him on his way to work.

'Eh, the people around here are so weird,' he thought absently to himself.

He leaned against the railing on what the constituted as a porch, ignoring the loud groaning of the cheap old wood as he people watched.

He looked over to where his neighbor Gin Ichimaru lived. He noticed that the silver haired man was out on his "lawn" with Toshiro's son Izuru. Gin leaned in close to Izuru and kissed him chastely on the lips.

Toshiro turned over to look at his other neighbor, Ken- "Whoa! Wait! What?!" he exclaimed turning back just as he heard the wood of the railing crack and give way to his slight weight, Toshiro tumbling a total of three feet to the weed ridden ground below.

He lay there dazed for a moment before remembering that he had just seen his twelve-year old son getting kissed by a 27 year old man. He shot up and looked around, not spotting either his son or his pedophile-ish neighbor. Maybe it was just his overactive imagination.

"I have to lay off of the late night Monster binges…" he muttered to himself as he walked in the front door, not really wanting to know what his neighbors were doing anymore.

* * *

A/N: So, umm yeah. I know that this chapter wasn't that amazing, but I didn't know where to start without introducing all the characters and having a big random jumbled mess on my hands XD

If you caught it, yes Rangiku and Toshiro have 6 children XD I only introduced 4 of them though. Errr a lot more of characters to come and I'm not quite sure how to organize it yet, but thoroughly looking forward to writing it. Oh, and yes, Ichigo is a cross dresser. Feel free to try and guess who his twin is X3

I dedicate the biggest virtual chocolate chip cookie in the universe to my friend, xXxyaoixluverxXx, who gave me a lot of inspiration/ideas for this fic. You deserve it, just don't eat it all at once.

REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS! Gotta love 'em, so please leave them and you can get a virtual cookie too!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Umm, so... It's been a while ladies and gents. *dodges a rock* Anyways, this chapter kind of just happened and I am not happy with it, but here it is. 3 months of waiting has brought you:

* * *

Rangiku, Tousen, and Ulquiorra took their sweet time getting back to the single-wide mobile home. Rangiku liked to stop and chat with her various neighbors that lived within the confines of the Happy Trails Mobile Home Park.

With Tousen clinging to her leg and a bucket of fried chicken in one arm and a bag of mashed potatoes and biscuits hanging off of the other she stopped to talk with Yumichika about when he could fit her in so that she could have her hair cut and that sexy, man candy Renji who worked at the same construction site as Ikkaku, all the while Ikkaku was glaring possessively at Yumichika from their small porch. They were both giggling like giddy schoolgirls when Ikkaku had finally had enough of Yumichika talking about other men and dragged him into the house.

Rangiku and Tousen moved on to talk with Gin, Ulquiorra having disappeared somewhere when no one was paying attention. Strangely enough though, Gin wasn't outside today, but Rangiku knew exactly what he was doing, her ultra sensitive 'someone is gettin' lucky' senses tipping her off.

"Hey mommy, where is uncle Gin?" Tousen asked innocently.

Rangiku just replied, "Gin is busy talking to someone else right now, honey," wiggling her eyebrows suggestively as she said this. Tousen didn't get it.

Oh, but Ulquiorra did, having magically reappeared from wherever it was that he had been at. He snorted as he heard her say this, thinking, 'Oh, if only you knew who Gin was busy with.'

Izuru wasn't home for dinner that night.

When they finally arrived home, they were almost tackled by a starving Ichigo, who had put on jeans and a t-shirt and tied his long hair back into a ponytail, making him look at least a bit less feminine.

"'Bout damn time!" he griped with his sister, Orihime, standing right next to him with a look of pained hunger on her face. Ichigo made a grab for the bag that was dangling off of Rangiku's arm. But she was too fast for him.

That and she also had a tranquilizer gun for times like these, when her children were more like rabid animals than people. Loaded with enough sedatives to tranq a whale, it got the job done. It was one of her most prized possessions, having bought it at a flea market from an elephant hunter seven years ago. She had only needed to use it twice before the children finally figured out who was boss, but that is a story for another time.

As she reached to grab it from its holster strapped around her thigh, Ichigo backed away, his hands in the air. "That's what I thought," she said, eyeing him warily and giving him the 'I'm watchin' you' sign with her fingers.

She made her way to the kitchen, which was only about two steps from the front door, and set the food on the counter, piling up the first paper plate with the artery clogging goodness and holding it high up in the air above her children. She grinned.

"Fight for it!" She yelled, with a malicious glint in her eyes.

Ulquiorra took one look at his mother's expecting face and realized she was serious. He rolled his eyes.

"Screw this," he said and sulked over to the bedroom to finish writing of the tales of woe and misery that was his life.

Ichigo and Orihime glanced down at Tousen, but decided he wasn't a threat because he was so short, and then they glanced at each other.

In one quick, decisive movement Ichigo decided to take advantage of his twin's weakness and punched her square in the boob, hastily grabbing the plate out of his hysterically laughing mother's hand and heading to the table.

Orihime doubled over in pain, clutching her oversized chest. " God! That was a cheap shot you ass! What the hell was that for?!" she yelled angrily.

Ichigo looked at her nonchalantly and replied, "I was hungry," his words muffled because his mouth was full of food.

"You're just jealous 'cause I at least have boobs!" she yelled back at him.

He glared daggers at her for uttering his secret insecurity aloud, but said nothing and continued eating.

Tousen took advantage of Orihime's still doubled over state to grab the next plate that was offered by Rangiku and then he scrambled over to the table to get the seat next to Ichigo. Orihime groaned as she finally stood up straight again, grabbing the other paper plate from her mother and taking the other seat next to Ichigo, kicking him in the shin roughly as she sat down.

"Oww!" he howled. "What the hell was that for, you crazy ho-bag?!" Orihime just glared at him.

Noticing that things had quieted down somewhat, Ulquiorra glided out of the children's shared bedroom and walked over to his mother, holding out his hands for a plate.

"Nuh-uh," she said wiggling a finger at him. "You ran away from a fight. You won't get off that easy."

Ulquiorra slowly walked back into the bedroom and came back out holding Ichigo's favorite cherry red bombshell lip liner. Without a single expression overtaking his face, he easily snapped it in half, a surprised shriek emanating from the strawberry behind him. Rangiku shrugged and handed him the plate.

"Underhanded and dirty, but I like it," she grinned, patting Ulquiorra on the shoulder as he walked to the table with his food. Ichigo was infuriated.

"You bastard!" he yelled at the emo kid sitting across the table from him.

Ulquiorra didn't even respond to the outburst and just pushed the food around on his paper plate. Knowing only one way to get a rise out of the pasty white boy, Ichigo jumped up from the table and ran into the bedroom, coming out with Ulquiorra's precious eyeliner.

"Don't you dare Ichigo," he said, a hint of warning in his voice, but still no emotions on his face.

The strawberry just sneered and dropped the eyeliner to the cheap linoleum floor with a clatter, lifting his foot above it and then stomping down on it with a crack and a smear of the black make-up on the floor, all the while keeping eye contact with his younger brother. A glint of anger flashed through bright green eyes, but he made no move towards Ichigo, just reminding himself that he had a stash hidden away for occasions like these.

But the orange-headed boy was one step ahead of him, pulling his other hand from behind his back to reveal a handful of eyeliner. Ulquiorra's eyes widened.

"What now, emo kid?!" he sneered as he took a couple steps backward into the single bathroom.

"You asshole."

Ulquiorra was up in a flash, trying to tackle down the other, but he was too late. All of his precious eyeliner was in the toilet, no longer of any use to anyone.

This meant war.

Ulquiorra made a run for the bedroom to get the rest of his cross-dressing brother's make-up, but Orihime stood in front of the door to block him, Ulquiorra getting a face full of boobs.

"No!" she yelled, looking at him worriedly. "You can't destroy the rest of his make-up, I use it too! Remember?" she said, her eyes welling with tears at the fond memory of the now gone cherry red bombshell lip liner.

He growled. As much as he wanted to destroy the strawberry by brutally massacring his entire make-up stash, he didn't want to hurt his dear older sister. So instead he turned and grabbed a handful of uneaten mashed potatoes from his untouched plate and threw them at Ichigo, whose eyes widened in surprise at the method of revenge he was using.

Thankfully for Ichigo, right at that moment Toshiro was walking into the kitchen, right into the line of fire.

SPLAT.

Everyone froze, except Rangiku who was fighting throws of laughter at all of these shenanigans.

Toshiro stood stock-still. The fluffy white potatoes were almost the same shade as his hair. In one slick movement they slowly slid down his face and landed with a sickening plop on the floor, the place where they had hit Toshiro in the face was an angry red because of a slight burn that they had caused, the rest of his face slowly changing the same color with anger. This was all too much like the time that Toshiro had caught Kenpachi in the back storeroom with a playboy magazine and, yeah. No need to get into that story.

If he had a stick right now, he would have beaten Ulquiorra with it. But he didn't, so he had to go for the next best thing. Well, maybe not the next best thing, but it was the first thing that popped into his mind on such short notice.

"Damnit Ulquiorra," he growled angrily, reaching for a napkin to wipe off his face. "Guess where you're gonna be on Monday."

"Umm, at home…" he responded slowly, wondering what the hell kind of a question that was since clearly they didn't have school on Monday. Toshiro smirked evilly.

"Oh no. You are coming to work with me, for 'Bring Your Child to Work' day," he sneered.

Ulquiorra blanched, well any more that he could have behind all of the white make-up and his already very pale complexion. He quickly composed himself, but still looked slightly mortified and horrified.

"I would rather kill myself," he responded somewhat shakily.

"Well, you won't have the chance. Make sure to get plenty of sleep tonight." And with that, Toshiro stalked back into his and Rangiku's bedroom.

* * *

_3 days earlier_

Sosuke Aizen, owner of The Store: Food Chain and Bargain Discounts Galore, stood in front of the doors to the super market, just as the clock tolled closing time. Toshiro stood there impatiently waiting for brunette to move so he could get out of this hellhole just to go to another one.

He clapped his hands together and addressed the impatiently waiting crowd of employees. "Well, as you know, this coming Monday will mark the tenth year anniversary of the opening of The Store. So in order to celebrate, " he started, looking at all of the faces in the crowd. "We are going to have a 'Bring Your Child to Work' day!" he finished, grinning.

Toshiro leaned over to Momo and whispered, "Of course he would do something like that instead of, oh I don't know, cutting the huge prices for the customers. God, what a cheap ass."

Momo swatted him on the arm, "Don't be mean to Mr. Aizen!"

Aizen heard all of this with his magical super sonic hearing, and turned, smiling eerily at Toshiro.

Toshiro shivered a little. 'What a scary guy…'

"So yes," he continued, "Bring any one of your children to work with you on Monday," he said with a smile that would have killed a kitten.

"Which one?" Toshiro asked, trying to decide which of the little devils that were supposedly his offspring would cause him the least amount of trouble. But he didn't receive an answer.

Momo looked ecstatic. She turned to Toshiro and squealed for joy. "Yay! Now I don't have to pay for a babysitter for little Harribel now!" she exclaimed, looking as if someone had just told her that Santa Claus was actually real and he wanted her to be his new head elf.

"No babies," Aizen added quickly, Momo's face falling as if someone else had just told her that Santa got sniped by the tooth fairy.

"Oh, and try not to bring anything that will scare away the customers," he added, focusing his gaze on Toshiro as he finished that sentence.

'Well, there goes all of my options,' he thought with a bored look on his face.

* * *

As Ulquiorra watched Ichigo pull Izuru through their bedroom window into the trailer, he had one thought on his mind as he tried to drift off to sleep.

'Tomorrow is going to one long ass day.'

* * *

A/N: not the greatest chapter in the world, but it was necessary, because it sets up for next chapter which will be (hopefully) better.

On another note, REVIEW! They make me write faster. The more I get the quicker I update. If I don't get any, well, you get the idea X3

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